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Feedback & Questions
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10/23 It's been a while because things have been going great. I haven't thrown up in about one month & I've only binged once. This was Saturday night. I was frustrated because I didn't get to see Jerry Jeff. A lot of things happened. I went home and ate 7 bagels w/ butter and a bag of popcorn! Sunday I was going to forgive myself & move on, but something inside me was still "hungry." Something clicked & all I wanted was good food food. I binged my way through Sunday and left for Tierra Linda around 4 pm. I needed to get away, reflect on the last couple of days & why I was "hungry" and gather my strength. I did until I got home & started feeling scared about relationships. I'm scared about intimacy. I'm so scared about getting close to someone. I'm afraid I won't be in control of my emotions, that this big powerful thing called love will take over & devour me. It's when I start thinking of reaching out, opening up that my mind automatically turns to food. I'm writing this because I need to snap out of this but all I want is food. 10/24 There are days it feels like this will never go away. I can't imagine life w/out it forever. It really is my crutch, my security. Life is too painful. There are too many emotions. Sometimes it's nice to just get away. But, I can't live with this forever or even much longer. It's lonely, destructive and scary. Sometimes I feel like I just can't fight it anymore. I need more support. I need group, a therapist, a nutritionist, meetings, etc... this isn't going to vanish. Just when I think I'm doing absolutely perfect and things couldn't get better, I find myself falling fast. Lord, please help me. I'm trying |
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