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Feedback & Questions
It's been a while because
things have been going great. I
haven't thrown up in about one
month & I've only binged once.
This was Saturday night. I was
frustrated because I didn't get to see
Jerry Jeff. A lot of things happened. I went home and ate 7 bagels w/ butter and a bag of popcorn! Sunday I was going to forgive
myself & move on, but something inside me was still "hungry."
Something clicked & all I wanted
was good food food. I binged my
way through Sunday and left for
Tierra Linda around 4 pm. I
needed to get away, reflect on the
last couple of days & why I was
"hungry" and gather my strength. I
did until I got home & started feeling scared about relationships. I'm
scared about intimacy. I'm so
scared about getting close to someone. I'm afraid I won't be in control of my emotions, that this big
powerful thing called love will take
over & devour me. It's when I
start thinking of reaching out,
opening up that my mind automatically turns to food. I'm writing
this because I need to snap out of
this but all I want is food.
There are days it feels like
this will never go away. I can't
imagine life w/out it forever. It really is my crutch, my security.
Life is too painful. There are too
many emotions. Sometimes it's
nice to just get away.
But, I can't live with this
forever or even much longer. It's
lonely, destructive and scary.
Sometimes I feel like I just can't
fight it anymore. I need more support. I need group, a therapist, a
nutritionist, meetings, etc... this isn't going to vanish. Just when I
think I'm doing absolutely perfect
and things couldn't get better, I find
myself falling fast.
Lord, please help me.